I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Just because you may not see this big, grand show or you may not fall down a tree and all of a sudden get miraculously healed, that doesn't mean the miraculous isn't all around you.

Reality itself is [made up of] chance processes linked to sets of rules - this is what drives the world, the universe, and just about anything a human being can imagine.

Hatred is stronger than friendship.

A pedant holds more to instruct us with what he knows, than of what we are ignorant.

There's a hollowness to civilized life. It doesn't appeal to people, and some people react with extreme violence.

People always tend to give the benefit of the doubt to allow people to explain the context [of their words].

Life is amazing, life is odd. Life is not what you expected it to be. Things happen... Growing up takes longer than you think.

The time between meeting, and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love.

Appeasement is a vote to live in the present tense, to hold the comforts of the moment.

When Nature her great masterpiece designed,And framed her last, best work, the human mind,Her eye intent on all the wondrous plan,She formed of various stuff the various Man.