I considered myself a professional comedian because the club would pay me $20.

Everyone knows that senior citizens are stupid

I tend to sit around with my friends a lot and rant and rave about things I think are ridiculous in the world, and I tend to make fun of myself a lot.

I tend to find comedy in dark places. I also tend to find comedy in taking on the status quo - which has always been something I find important.

I had a real passion for performing. I craved the attention. I was a goofy kid just like I am a goofy adult. So as soon as I got the bug of getting laughs and getting on stage I just couldn't stop.

We all borrow and steal and copy from each other, and that's the way I think people get inspired.

I'm no more a lawbreaker than they are , and if they were lawbreakers for keeping God's commandments, they're my example.

Whenever I do something I tend to focus on it and spend all of my time and energy on it.

I think I always enjoyed the energy of a crowd, of being onstage. It started when I was even younger doing public speaking at school and just kept going from there.

It's hard to have any moral authority over a group of drunken college students when you have never had a beer and never been laid.

It's such a huge endeavor putting a full movie together, especially an independent movie. I tend to kind of do them when they come my way more than something than I go out and actively pursue.

I don't know about homeless, but I'm never going to let you be hopeless. Or loveless. To be heartless however, well, that is your choice to make.

Short of a death in the family, a divorce is perhaps the most life-altering experience in human relationships.

People in general are equally horrified at hearing the Christian religion doubted and at seeing it practised.

When a man is wrapped up in himself he makes a pretty small package.

Don't try to give a funny opinion; give your opinion in a way that will be funny.

People hate who makes you feel one's inferiority.

My father ran the gamut: a favorite of his was Josef Hofmann, but there was also Friedman, Rachmaninoff, Godowsky, Lhevinne, Moiseiwitsch, Paderewski, etc.

I keep my heart and my soul and my spirit open to miracles.

Most wretched men Are cradled into poetry by wrong: They learn in suffering what they teach in song.

You have gifts, abilities, and dreams no one else has.