I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Your mindset determines your reality. Think positive, Act positive and Live positive.

Never concede to evil…. When we concede to evil, even in a small way, we feed it, and it grows stronger.

Man, don't ever be sorry you don't want to kill someone.

Well I'm not a novelist. I've only written one book and that is a memoir.

The road ahead is not easy. Iraq is currently the center of the war on terror.

Fortune's unjust; she ruins oft the brave, and him who should be victor, makes the slave.

People who excel at something can rarely tell you how to do something.

Collaboration gets me excited.

Things that are separate shall be united and acquire such virtue that they will restore to man his lost memory.

Man is the apex of the only world we can ever know.