... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

One of the aims of forgiveness is to turn the frozen, pent-up energy in stored-up emotions into free energy that people can express themselves with in the present.

Always look into the future when deciding how to use your time in the present.

The human mind adjusts itself to a certain point of view, and those who have regarded nature from one angle, during a portion of their life, can adopt new ideas only with difficulty.

In the history of the nation, there has never been a political party so ridiculous as today's Democrats. It's as if all the brain-damaged people in America got together and formed a voting bloc.

The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances.

Acting can be so much fun that it's easy to forget that what you're doing is a job. But if I've got my tie on, I'm going to work.

We lose thousands of our fellow Americans every year to opioid abuse.

... occasionally I see rich-looking women on Rollerblades gripping leashes and being towed bodily by golden retrievers. That's my kind of jogging.

Your touch has still its ancient power, No word from You can fruitless fall; Hear, in this solemn evening hour, And in Your mercy heal us all.

In her beauty rests (both) my death and my life.