I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Modesty is only arrogance by stealth.

If we don't discipline ourselves, the world will do it for us.

I think that the movies I do are the ones that I really like the least. I don't like watching them because of that problem.

When running up a hill, it is all right to give up as many times as you wish-as long as your feet keep on moving.

It's really hard for me to capture this certain way of singing that sounds good to me. I don't really understand it, but hopefully some day I'll figure it out.

The ideal college is Mark Hopkins on one end of a log and a student on the other.

Honor is but an empty bubble.

Be careful what you wish for,her mind thundered.

We should therefore claim, in the name of tolerance, the right not to tolerate the intolerant.

We really shouldnt be running education like a supermarket where you compare prices.