I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The biggest mistake brands make are trying to “sell their stuff” rather than clarifying what people are actually buying.

I have some strong positive reasons why I am on the path that I am, and this is why moving forward is the only option that my mind sees.

The next time you hear a person say, 'I don't have time' or 'I have no time, ' Take a moment to be with them. Without time, that somebody becomes a nobody.

If your partner wants to be private, you have to respect that.

Science investigates religion interprets. Science gives man knowledge which is power religion gives man wisdom which is control.

United decidedly is not an innovative, adaptive organization.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

we are, in this country, more open to new ideas. But we are also, it seems to me, more inclined to hail the new as absolute truth - until the next new comes along.

The true critic is he who bears within himself the dreams and ideas and feelings of myriad generations, and to whom no form of thought is alien, no emotional impulse obscure.

Sanctification means more than being freed from sin. It means the deliberate commitment of myself to the God of my salvation, and being willing to pay whatever it may cost.