I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletariat to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeoisie.

Again he thought of his own losses, and he wondered why it was that the things a person had lost— or might lose— defined him more than the things he yet possessed.

When a friend is in trouble don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.

My father got me strong and straight and slim And I give thanks to him. My mother bore me glad and sound and sweet I kiss her feet.

You must not let your opponent know how you feel.

My goal was never to sell many records.

Growing up devouring horror comics and novels, and being inspired to become a writer because of horror novels, movies, and comic books, I always knew I was going to write a horror novel.

It is the lava of the imagination whose eruption prevents an earthquake.

One does not substitute oneself for the past, one merely adds to it a new link.

The greatest failure is the failure to try.