I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people think I kill for fun.”“Don’t y

Father' is such an arbitary word. Douche bag, on the other hand.

Denzel Washington is a person I will always emulate. I emulate him because he focuses on real life. Because of that he has made me a better person.

Besides Bob Satterfield, the only ones who ever hurt me were my ex-wives.

You can have anything you want

Marx profoundly affected those who did not accept his system. His influence extended to those who least supposed they were subject to it.

The greatest menace to freedom is an inert people.

Christ at the Checkpoint is primarily a public relations scheme to dissuade American evangelicals from pro-Israel views.

For most people, life would be boring without meaningful work.

Now begins to rise in me the familiar rhythm; words that have lain dormant now lift, now toss their crests, and fall and rise, and falls again. I am a poet, yes. Surely I am a great poet.