I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

...grief is loved turned into an eternal missing. ...It can't be contained in hours or days or minutes.

I needed to be alone for whatever would happen. I knew that something would as certainly as if this were a last chapter.

Not only are you what you eat, but you also can be what's eating you. Don't become your problems or let them overtake you.

An Ulster Scot may come to disbelieve in God, but not to wear his weekday clothes on the Sabbath.

PROMISE YOURSELF To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.

Don't look back, over your shoulder! Keep your eye on freedom shore! Because you know the brave man with you, also pays for the wages of war.

I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down, Livin’ in the hopeless, hungry side of town.

When it looks like the sun isn't going to shine any more, God puts a rainbow in the clouds. Each one of us has the possibility, the responsibility, the probability to be the rainbow in the clouds.

The key to life when it gets tough is to keep moving. Just keep moving.