I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .

A famous actor, Edmund Kean, on his deathbed, was reported to have said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

If the audience knows what's behind the door and the actor does not, that's comedy. If both the audience and the actor do not know, that's mystery!

I have a serious investment problem. I have no money.

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

Enjoy how sweet how thoughtful how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.

Everybody is a genius but if you judge a fish by its able to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.

Life is like the sea. Its tides and currents sometimes take a man to distant shores that he never dreamed existed

Melt all the tanks in the world and make them rubbish bins. They will be much more useful for the humanity!

Reading is an intimate act, perhaps more intimate than any other human act. I say that because of the prolonged (or intense) exposure of one mind to another.

The man who does not read miss a great literature of knowledge. You must dare to read and reread.

It is time to bring down the volume and bring up the program.

When I was a child I had something called Perthes' Disease which meant I was on crutches, so I was bullied at school and all that sort of stuff.

A crisis is a close encounter of the third kind.

A peace that depends on fear is nothing but a suppressed war.

However, there's three reasons for doing things in this particular world. One is love, one is prestige and the other's money. If you get all three together, that's fine.