I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .

A famous actor, Edmund Kean, on his deathbed, was reported to have said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

If the audience knows what's behind the door and the actor does not, that's comedy. If both the audience and the actor do not know, that's mystery!

I have a serious investment problem. I have no money.

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

Enjoy how sweet how thoughtful how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .

When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.

We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be "empathetic, " not blind.

Everything is Fair in Love, War and Fashion.

Feed the truth. Starve the lie.

If God was giving me a ham, I'd be crazy not to receive it. Maybe it was the ham of God, who takes away the sins of the world.

Don't give until it hurts, give until it feels good.

I know folks all have a tizzy about it, but I like a little bourbon of an evening. It helps me sleep. I don't much care what they say about it.

Actually I started out as a fast bowler but people told me that I was chucking the ball, so i changed to spin.

I played a lot of football when I was younger. I'm a good receiver, actually.

In a couple of years I think it [sequel to What We Do] will come out as a script and we'll shoot that. Or maybe it will just come out as some t-shirts.

Looks like a sand pile my kids have been playing in for a long time - it's all beat up - no definition - just a lot of bumps and holes.