I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.

I ain't no movie star, man. I'm a booty star.

I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think.

A lie is profanity. A lie is the worst thing in the world. Art is the ability to tell the truth.

Two things people throughout history have had in common are hatred and humour. I am proud that I have been able to use humour to lessen people's hatred.

I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

Booty is just a ghetto expression, and I'm just a booty star.

All humor is rooted in pain.

I had some great things and I had some bad things. The best and the worst . . . In other words, I had a life.

If I thought about it, I could be bitter, but I don't feel like being bitter. Being bitter makes you immobile, and there's too much that I still want to do.

Some poeple take God and want to apply privacy settings on him to make him private to them like their social media accounts. What they don't understand is that God is public and God is for everyone.

Time turns our lies into truths.

You speak so feelingly and so manfully, Charles Darnay

The idea that a prisoner would confess to a complete stranger that he had committed a crime - I just didn't buy that.

And the mystery knight should defeat all challengers and name the wolf maid the queen of love and beauty.

How many times had I let myself connect with someone only to have it thrown back in my face?

That big guy, Winfield, at 6'6", can do things only a small man can do.

You can always improve your bench and relief pitching.

Don't live your life to please other people.

In a lot of ways, the way you're making your bread and butter is off people who aren't necessarily who you're writing for.