I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

Forgiveness has no deadline.

God leaves to our conscience the choice of the road we decide to follow, and the liberty of yielding to one or another of the opposing influences that act upon us.

I've never made a record that didn't sound better than what was in my head - that's sort of my rule.

Crowds are somewhat like the sphinx of ancient fable: It is necessary to arrive at a solution of the problems offered by their psychology or to resign ourselves to being devoured by them.

Love opens the eyes of our understanding and enables us to see more of the truth than can those who are blinded by self-love. Those who love most, see most.

I learned in grade-school that after WWII European politicians considered sending Jews to Madagascar instead of Palestine. At the time I thought: Madagascar would've been so great.

My name's been on this check for a week now.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Stupid, shiny Volvo owner.

I don't think things are getting more insane. I do know that the country is more divided than it's ever been. Tensions in America are at their peak.