I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

If you stay ready, there's no need to get ready when an opportunity presents itself.

We have a war against Daesh (the Islamic State, or IS) in Syria. A coalition that was led by the United States, with Saudi Arabia being one of the first members of that coalition.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

smoking had come to be an important punctuation mark in the long sentence of a day on the road.

Although Christ, in my mind is an absolute Yogi, I think many Christian teachers today are misrepresenting Christ.

Hee that hath charge of soules transports them not in bundles.

If you come across fear, stare it in its eyes. Face it and you will notice that fear fades away.

Mr. Stevenson has a degree alright-a PhD from the Acheson College of Cowardly Communist Containment.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

Halle Berry is here, whose win last year broke down barriers for unbelievably hot women.