I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Everyone of us needs to show how much we care for each other and, in the process, care for ourselves.

The special trait making me an anarch is that I live in a world which I ‘ultimately’ do not take seriously. This increases my freedom

You can't treat royalty like people with normal perverted desires.

Okay, do not call me Aquaman. That's even worse than waterboy.

Probably millions of Americans got up this morning with a cup of coffee, a cigarette and a donut. No wonder they are sick and fouled up.

Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body's cells have been replaced, you're meant to experience that seven-year itch.

and the sad notes floated out to the patio and hung in the trees like birds too tired to fly

How deep and sticky is the darkness of childhood, how rigid the blades of infant evil, which is unadulterated, unrestrained by the convenient cushions of age and its civilizing anesthesia.

A woman needs her privacy while drinking a dirty Belvedere martini on the rocks with a splash of Tabasco.

He whose book of the heart has been opened needs no other books.