I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Professional men run the business started by the courageous men.

Heavenly Father, your ears are ever open to our prayers.Save us now!

How many crimes have been committed for no other reason than that the perpetrator could not bear being in the wrong!

The establishment of the kingdom of God is forever

Gossip is passing on information when you are neither part of the problem nor part of the solution.

It's all about what they can get out of me.

A dying organism is often observed to be capable of extraordinary endurance and strength. .. When any living organism is attacked, its whole function seems to aim towards reproduction.

The power is within you. It always has been. How far are you willing to expand the horizons of your thinking and stir that power awake?

You know what you are best at, and writing is just not my thing, but I like it.

It takes a lot of good songs to write a great song!