I'd much rather be on stage talking to a couple of retards for twenty bucks than sitting at my desk thinking up jokes for...well let's say a few dollars more.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves.

She felt some measure of relief knowing that in the very least, on the open road she would have some time to think.

I started doing makeup to make a living. Then I said, You're not supposed to be putting powder on other people. You're supposed to be powdering yourself.

The world needs women to redefine what it means to be a person of power

God's mill grinds slow, but sure.

Ninety percent of the time, I'm wearing imaginary people's clothing. I don't feel a huge pressure to go out and like, hit the town, hit the boutiques.

Warren Beatty once quipped that the best time for a wedding was noon, because if the marriage didn't work, you hadn't screwed up the entire day.

It often happens that people come to believe in their own fictions.

Pray for rain all you like, but dig a well as you do it.

We don't see it as revenge or payback. This year's team is a different team.