I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

When you kill a man, You steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, Rob his children of a father.

The essence of Druidry is training the mind to both handle contradictory input and construct contradictory out

My happiness derives from knowing the people I love are happy.

Spiritual Christians look upon the world not as a playground but as a battleground.

While we would not want to attribute every extreme weather event to climate change - the pattern is building and the costs are rising - the human costs and the financial costs

In all superstition wise men follow fools.

Life is a struggle to elevate ourselves from nobody to somebody, not ever knowing the secret beauties of being nobody!

You know, I once leased a Mercedes because I got a good deal on it because of my first name.

I've always been quiet and kind of shy. I'm sociable, but I would probably migrate to a corner.

The olive tree is surely the richest gift of Heaven. I can scarcely expect bread.