I'd rather be funny than wise.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Reality is not art, but a realist art is one that can create an integral aesthetic of reality.

A student was given a mentoring opportunity, "in the hope that when you had somebody to lean on you, you would begin to stand a little steadier yourself, and get manliness and thoughtfulness.

The Socialist system requires that each individual act out of selfless, altruistic motives. It sounds nice, but the only way that could happen is if Man were innately centered on others.

You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'

Oh, I get it," I said. "It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat.

It's actually kind of weird that we can comprehend the law of gravity, or that we can understand quantum mechanics, enough at least to make computers.

I speak my mind. If it offends some people, well, there's not much I can do about that. But I'm going to be honest. I'm going to continue to speak my mind, and that's who I am.

In my opinion, every rich man is a miser.

Make work a purpose, not just a place.