I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

The world looks like something God had just imaged for his own pleasure, doesn't it?

You either have chemistry or you don't, but a lot of what attracts me is a guy's mind and humor and talent. I need to get to know all those things before I fall for someone.

The greatest luxury of riches is that they enable you to escape so much good advice.

A team should be an extension of a coach's personality. My teams are arrogant and obnoxious.

The future is in great hands with feminists such as Carla Buzasi, Caroline Criado-Perez, Lucy-Anne Holmes

You have not fulfilled every duty unless you have fulfilled that of being pleasant.

Many people claim coffee inspires them, but, as everybody knows, coffee only makes boring people even more boring.

Nobody is beyond the reach of the Gospel.

If you're alive, you have all the experience necessary to understand classical music.

Pedants, who have the least knowledge to be proud of, are impelled most by vanity.