I'd rather look good in my coffin than bad in my coffin.

I don't want you to play me a riff that's going to impress Joe Satriani; give me a riff that makes a kid want to go out and buy a guitar and learn to play.

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.

I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.

Maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate.

Sometimes I'm scared of being Ozzy Osbourne. But it could have been worse. I could have been Sting.

If you can laugh at your mistakes, it's a good thing.

My son Jack just got out of rehab, he's 17 years old and he got hooked on Oxycontin and I'm just a little pissed off that he never gave me a few.

Hating people isn’t a productive way of living. So what’s the point in hating anyone? There’s enough hate in the world as it is, without me adding to it.

When you’re in love, it’s not just about the messing around in the sack, it’s about how empty you feel when they’re gone.

You've got to believe in yourself, or no one will believe in you. Imagination is like a bird on the wing, flying free for you to use.

Sometimes I wish it has been you.

If comics need to be deconstructed and explained, something is really wrong with them.

I began a conversation with the heads of our esteemed department of political science, and instantly I concluded, 'Hopelessly incompetent!

What kind of liberation would that be to forsake an absurdity which is logical and coherent and to embrace one which is illogical and incoherent?

Women are much more honourable than men.

All you have to do is believe, then you will see everything.

The only good thing ever done by a committee was the King James version.

You already barely exist. Disappearing entirely won't be that much of a change.

If heaven existed as a physical building on earth, human beings would remodel it to make it right.

They went in and out of each other's minds without any effort.