I'd rather rot on my own floor than be found by a bunch of bingo players in a nursing home.

A home without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.

If you ever meet someone who cannot understand why solitary confinement is considered punishment, you have met a misanthrope.

I simply like guns because you can't shoot people without them.

I wasn't used to children and they were getting on my nerves. Worse, it appeared that I was a child, too. I hadn't known that before; I thought I was just short.

Writers who have nothing to say always strain for metaphors to say it in.

If we define a misanthrope as 'someone who does not suffer fools and likes to see fools suffer,' we have described a person with something to look forward to.

The more immoral we become in big ways, the more puritanical we become in little ways.

God may have loved the common people, but a trip to any shopping mall suggests that He made far too many of them.

Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other.

Democracy is the fig leaf of elitism.

We have just discovered our dear colleague butchered in a hotel room, and you wish to discuss literature?

Silly Felix, hate and love are the flip sides of the same tarnished coin.

Many a man who pays rent all his life owns his own home; and many a family has successfully saved for a home only to find itself at last with nothing but a house.

The best of all physiciansIs apple pie and cheese!

War loses a great deal of its romance after a soldier has seen his first battle.

Normally you read a screenplay - and I read a lot of them - and the characters don't feel like people. They feel like plot devices or cliches or stereotypes.

Poor Mary Ann! She gave the guy an inch and now he thinks he's a ruler.

It is not so difficult to win love as to keep it!

Large organizations cannot be versatile. A large organization is effective through its mass rather than through its agility. Fleas can jump many times their own height, but not an elephant.

One would think a writer would be happy here — if a writer is ever happy anywhere.