I dated Siamese twins, I slept with Big Foot, too. Get me on Sally Jesse, put me on Donahue.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

Those who fixate on what could have been are bound to miss what already is.

It doesn't matter if you're born in a duck yard, so long as you are hatched from a swan's egg!

In the spring mornings I would work early while my wife still slept. The windows were open wide and the cobbles of the street were drying after the rain.

In the fullness of time, educated people will believe there is no soul independent of the body, and hence no life after death.

World communism is like [a] malignant parasite which feeds on diseased tissue

People tell me that I'm always smilin' on the court. I don't think about it. I just get emotional out there.

You're going to see a million people here who have the courage to come and not let terrorists win, and that's exactly what we should all do.

It changed my life in a lot of ways - before I got that role I was just going form job to job, not really having enough money to be able to do what I wanted to do.

All people want on this earth is to connect with others. Other than eating and sleeping. Human beings need to connect with other human beings. Otherwise, they lose their mind.

I remember when I was a private soldier. I remember the days when I was taken care of and when I was not taken care of.