I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

We can only bear the fruit of patience when we have something to be patient about.

Traveling is seeing; it is the implicit that we travel by.

Each person begins life with a head start in some areas and a handicap in other areas.

The Swiss are a neat and an industrious people, none of whom is under seventy-five years of age.

If we're going get back into hypotheticals, I think it does a disservice to a lot of people that sacrificed a lot.

If someone were to tell me I had twenty years left, and ask me how I'd like to spend them, I'd reply 'Give me two hours a day of activity, and I'll take the other twenty-two in dreams.'

Poetry is the apotheosis of sentiment.

You're in for something special!

Prejudice for regularity and simplicity is a source of error that has only too often infected philosophy.

A lady is nothing very specific. One man's lady is another man's woman; sometimes, one man's lady is another man's wife. Definitions overlap but they almost never coincide.