I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I go by instinct - I don't worry about experience.

For me a film is at its best when you can start filling in the story with your own life experience.

We have entered, almost without noticing, an age of exploration and discovery unparalleled since the Renaissance.

I'm very selective about what I write about, and whom I write about, and how much I write about somebody.

Our goal as women should be to discover who we are and not who we think we should be or who the world wants us to be. It's not our responsibility to be arm candy!

I mean, sleeping with the same woman, night after night. Boring!

We are committed and if we succeed we'll succeed magnificently, and if we fail it will be a magnificent failure. The magnificence is important.

You can't have a favourite meal, like you can't have a favourite movie or a favourite book or a favourite child.

The law must be stable, but it must not stand still.

Washington's character was rock solid. He came to stand for the new nation and its republican virtues, which was why he became our first President by unanimous choice.