I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Such is the state of life that none are happy but by the anticipation of change. The change itself is nothing when we have made it the next wish is to change again.

Costume design is so important and really helpful, and I really love that aspect of character development, just figuring it out.

The scientific evidence of how serious this climate crisis is becoming continues to amass week after week after week.

Love is the only fire that is hot enough to melt the iron obstinacy of a creatures's will.

I eat in a strange way, but I enjoy it. Everything became well when I finally understood that I enjoy being hungry. Normally, I only eat in the evening.

My father did advertising photography.

Nature designed us to be of good cheer.

We made it nearly 20 centuries, a bunch of monkeys with PH Ds.

I play hard. So the critical stuff doesn't surprise me or bother me.

Never let a domestic quarrel ruin a day's writing. If you can't start the day fresh, get rid of your wife.