I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

The rhythm of the dance lies in the music.

Moreover, man carries in his heart the desire always to wield his scientific knowledge in service of the greater good. He would of course never use it for destructive purposes. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! ...

Bent but never broken

She couldn't remember the last time she hugged someone, really hugged someone.

It's not the work or the personality of the founder of a religion that's important, but what its followers do with what they learn.

Most virtue lies between two vices.

We accept, without sufficient consideration, a system that breeds inefficiencies and actually encourages the creation of shortages.

A lot of people wrote that Roger (Maris) and I didn't like each other and that we didn't get along. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I like to get produced. I'm not saying I write to be commercial, I mean "Hazelwood High" they light a girl on fire, so it wasn't the most.

Outside of football and training, I am somewhat of a homebody. Love hangin' out with my siblings and close friends.