I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The deep map configures narratives. It is a matrix of intertexual storytelling, charting our movements through the landscape.

How’s your father?”“How do you think he is? You stabbed him in the foot.”“I would have aimed for his heart, but I wasn’t sure he actually had one. Do any of you have one?

Dialogue should simply be a sound among other sounds, just something that comes out of the mouths of people whose eyes tell the story in visual terms.

I love the life I live. The Lord blessed me to be independent. I am independent.

A gentleman can see a question from all sides without bias. The small man is biased and can see a question only from one side.

After the house is finisht, leave it.

Change the molecules, juices in the blood, so they do things differently.

The valley spirit never dies. It is called the mystical female.

Occasionally words must serve to veil the facts. But let this happen in such a way that no one become aware of it; or, if it should be noticed, excuses must be at hand to be produced immediately.

Don't try to beat the goalkeeper...Tr y to destroy the goalkeeper.