I did telemarketing for years, starting at the age of 16, just selling steak knives to old people. Old people go through a weird amount of steak knives. I also sold straight meat over the telephone.

Jealousy is the worst trait in any person.

That's another piece of advice: Don't go to college; follow your dreams. Unless you're a doctor - then go to college.

If you like standup and decide that it's overtaking your life and want to hate it, watch 1,000 standup comedians who are trying to get on a TV show.

A funny thing is that you can't search me on Twitter because Adam Levine dominates there.

Shakespeare was a smart dude. He was the president of Rome.

People want to be friends with someone who likes to have a good time.

You can shoot a show and have it not air. It's not real until it's airing.

I'm always thinking, 'my career is over, I have to move back to Omaha, and work on the railroad, with the rest of my family. So no, I'm never thinking I've 'arrived.' I think that's a good way to be.

That's another piece of advice: Don't go to college follow your dreams. Unless you're a doctor - then go to college.

I still haven't found the humor in getting hit by a cement truck. My knees still hurt when I think about it, so no jokes about that yet.

Plans are invitation to disappointment.

This man's spiritual power has been precisely this, that he has distinguished between custom and creed. He has broken the conventions, but he has kept the commandments.

For the record, I don't worship the devil. I just hate religion.

The market does not drive the scientists, the communicators, the thinkers, the government to do the right things.

What got us to where we are today is not going to get us to where we need to go tomorrow.

Love is the only thing that pays for birth, Or makes death welcome. Oh, dear God above This beautiful but sad, perplexing earth, Pity the hearts that know--or know not--Love!

We recognize the touch of the Opera ghost.

The point isn't to know what you're doing. The point is to have an experience doing something.

Story, finally, is humanity's autobiography.

It is a singular characteristic of love that we cannot hide it where it exists, or pretend it where it does not exist.