I didn't audition for 'SNL.' I sent in a tape to 'SNL' the year before I started writing there, but I got the job there through doing stand-up on Fallon.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven.

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. It prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart.

From my friend, Brig. General Ezell Ware, Jr., CA Nat'l Guard, Dec.Keep on going till you get there, then keep going.

Don't take on about her, Gabriel. What difference does it make whose sweetheart she is, since she can't be yours?''That's the very thing I say to myself, ' said Gabriel.

Everyone has choices to make; no one has the right to take those choices away from us. Not even out of love.

it is a little considered fact that simply in the process of becoming a mother, one does not automatically become a saint.

In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old.

If you cling to an experience that cannot accommodate change, this can cause you to become a victim of that change. He who worships the past will remain there.

I’m more concerned about helping humanity through my art

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.