I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I'd rather believe in something and be wrong, than believe in nothing and be wrong.

Damn the way he had control over me.

RETURN TO TENDEROur aging parents deserve the same loving care they gave us in infancyKamil Ali

Boys are always inarticulate where their deepest feelings are concerned

In youth the days are short and the years are long in old age the years are short and the days long.

What could be more beautiful than a dear old lady growing wise with age? Every age can be enchanting, provided you live within it.

Very good cooks who are employed as 'chefs' rarely refer to themselves as 'chefs.' They refer to themselves as 'cooks.'

How bright and transparent the moonlight of wisdom.

It matters little how much equipment we use; it matters much that we be masters of all we do use.

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.