I didn't invent the rainy day. I just own the best umbrella.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Why should how I act in my workplace be any different from how I interact with my family at home? It's making sure the company runs on feminine principles where the major ethic is care.

I'll always remember 1995 as the year i found out Star Trek wasn't real

There are no happy endings, there are only happy people.

I say guilt, gentlemen, because it was guilt that motivated her. She has committed no crime, she has merely broken a rigid and time-honored code of our society.

Cause nothing said lovin' like a shitload of motion detectors.

The whole point of being a closet fan of anything is that people aren't supposed to then out you and say that you're closet fans of stuff.

The Daytona 500 is a big race, and Darlington is just as big of an event, and a lot of people get excited for it.

I could have loved you once And said it But then you went away And when you came back Love was a forgotten word, Remember?

If you want to help a hungry poor man sleeping on the bench, don't ever wake him up; put some food on the bench, put some money and leave the place without looking at your back!

Yoga has spread harmony between man and nature. It is a holistic approach to health and wellbeing.