I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything.

I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have.

You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious.

When I was little, there were three channels.

If I do the same act that I did in 1995, in essence you're saying (in a robotic voice), 'My mind has never changed'

Kids today know way more than you think they do, with the Internet and 500 TV channels.

We build this country ourselves every day and we have to be, in the most positive sense, totally unreal.

I have very little faith that I'll ever find someone. I've had some bad luck and I've made some bad choices - not in men, but in how I've chosen to deal with relationships.

I am who I am, but I am not a bully.

My website's kind of fun for me. I get to do drawings on that. It's kind of fun.

A good mathematical joke is better, and better mathematics, than a dozen mediocre papers.

I am somehow allowed by the universe to do exactly what I want to do to make a living.

They tied me back together, but they didn't use double knots. My insides are draining out of the fault lines in my skin, I can feel it, but every time I check the bandages, they're dry.

I once talked about wanting to kill myself, but I don't think I was ever really planning on doing it. It was just comforting to know that I could.

I'll speak for the man, or against him, whichever will do him the most good.

The mistakes of the Iraq war are not only tactical and strategic, but historical. It is essentially a war of colonialism, attempted in the post-colonial age.