I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Don't be tricked by the verisimilitude into forgetting this is fiction!

Yet somehow the thing that startled me most, after a week or two had passed, was that I had in fact survived.

One must not judge other cultures by the standars of one's one, ' said Aunt Hilda

What if every church in America had a ministry to stand against modern slavery?

You often get a better hold upon a problem by going away from it for a time and dismissing it from your mind altogether.

Even now there is no evidence that anyone involved in the Nixon operation was going to threaten us.

Enthusiasm is the power that transfers the mental blueprint into the physical dimension.

As one that neither seeks, nor shuns his foe.

I'm incredibly grateful for the time I spent with STOMP and even more so for the skills and awareness I developed as a performer during that time.

We should have a very limited federal government.