I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

Modern man threw a brick through his own window in order to sell himself a burglar alarm.

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

God schedules a birthday, not man.

If you do not define yourself, your enemies will make sure they define you. Don't advertise what is not for sale..

It's a bit questionable whether Turkey is a model country or not, since our government is supporting ISIS in Syria, since there are legislations that are not in line with democratic rules.

The world we all share is the same in important respects. But in some deep ways, the lived world and its meanings are radically different.

If there's anything I hate it's the word humorist-I feel like countering with the word seriousist.

I guess I'm an actor - just human behaviour's just fascinating to me. I mean, I'd like to be.

... all professional ideologies are high-minded. Hunters, for instance, would not dream of calling themselves the butchers of the woods.

In them days I just as soon died -- except for my harmonica. It was like a friend who didn't give a damn if I could see or not.

I wouldn't exactly call it 'Intelligent', but somebody has to be behind designing the human form other than just biological necessity. Why else would women have arms? Or feet? Or mouths?