I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Memory of the knife will be gone when the flesh is gone.

Great mentors give great advice.

When a thundering horde of drunken Vikings rush a person, it's only natural to flinch.

It's okay to doubt yourself, it's okay to feel down; just never give up.

In inventing a model we may assume what we wish, but should avoid impossibilities.

I don't think you should ever give up on trying to push the bar a little bit higher.

A little party never killed nobody.

It is impossible to state in words how much this team means to me, how much Hulu means to me.

Deserts look beautiful and green fields look beautiful too. Nature is genius because it knows how to look beautiful in every way.

The most insidious of sophisms are usually repeated to justify immodesty and seem to be the same everywhere.