I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

i'm only an independent woman when there's nothing heavy to carry

Young man, the secret of my success is that at early age I discovered that I was not God.

... a warrior could not avoid pain and grief but only the indulging in them

I'd like to thank ma da (dad)... my mum for doin' aw ma washin'

I do believe in praising that which deserves to be praised.

I thought I wanted to be a playwright because I was interested in stories and telling stories.

The power of the state stops at our skins. They can't restrict contraception [or] abortion. They can't take our kidneys. Bodily integrity is a principle.

If you're sick, watch funny movies.

Studios are designed to pull out all of that beautiful ambience you get from singing in a room, and then the engineer puts it back in digitally or through whatever machinery you've got.