I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like to laugh during difficult circumstances.

You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.

Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.

The big yellow one is the sun!

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like Mom did you read this?

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.

If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?

I believe that life should be lived so vividly and so intensely that thoughts of another life, or of a longer life, are not necessary.

Maturity: Be able to stick with a job until it is finished. Be able to bear an injustice without having to get even. Be able to carry money without spending it. Do your duty without being supervised.

I realised one day that men are emotional cripples. We cant express ourselves emotionally, we can only do it with anger and humour. Emotional stability and expression comes from women.

That which is unjust can really profit no one; that which is just can really harm no one.

When entrepreneurs are free to compete, they grow the pie so that everyone's share gets larger.

Apparently, when Twin Peaks was on the air in Spain, something like 50 percent of televisions were tuned to it.

Beautiful roads do not always lead to beautiful places! Heaven may be hidden at the end of an ugly road! Do not be deceived by the beginning; try to see the end!

No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.

Along with William Shakespeare and Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin is Britain's greatest gift to the world. He was our greatest thinker.

I've never had good fortune with sequels. Everyone says this time is going to be better. And then I've done them and they've just been not - they weren't better.