I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Poets are damned… but see with the eyes of angels.

Traveling light gives me a way to set down what would otherwise be the baggage of someone else' decision to cling to a well-worn path.

If you control the code, you control the world. This is the future that awaits us.

The opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth.

I feel very giddy with the idea of making my imagination take form and being able to put on a show where people leave feeling like they've experienced something.

The Holocaust also shows us how a combination of events and attitudes can erode a society's democratic values.

What is memory for if not to fortify and sustain?

Sure, companies say they're sensitive to their employees' cultural heritages, but show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace made from the ears of your vanquished enemies and all hell breaks loose.

The old liberal rebelled against taxation without responsibility, the new liberal wants the taxation as a handout without responsibility.

The same way that you are the main character of your story, you are only a secondary character in everybody else’s story.