I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it's enough just to keep yourself alive.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Fear is sharp-sighted and can see things under ground and much more in the skies.

Many talk much, and indeed well, of what Christ has done for us: but how little is spoken of what he is to do in us! and yet all that he has done for us is in reference to what he is to do in us.

Can you look at a situation without naming it? Naming it, making it a word, causes fear.

Things are not what they appear to be: nor are they otherwise.

Wash four distinct and separate times, using lots of lather each time from individual bars of soap.

It's one thing to tolerate a boring marriage; a boring affair does not make sense.

People have the "ships" that they love, and I think they love the show's ["Pretty Little Liars"] original relationship the most.

It may be that all games are silly. But then, so are humans.

There is no greater punishment of wickedness that that it is dissatisfied with itself and its deeds.

I never did improv professionally, but that was certainly in my training as an actor. I like it.