I do longer runs on things, a lot stories. I really like one-liners, I like a lot of different kinds of standup but I've always been long-winded.

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines

I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.

If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.

I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again.

That we may not fall short of desire, but let us give way to the unspoken passion hidden in the closet of our discretion. (“Crépuscule du désir”)

You don't need to chase wealth, just become a real entrepreneur and the world is your oyster.

My lifesaver has always been the hazel iris of your soul. It never fails. When the world plunges me deep into the darkness, one look from you is all it takes to save me.

When you open a door for others, you sometimes open doors for yourself.

Each of us is on our own trajectory – steered by our genes and our experiences – and as a result every brain has a different internal life. Brains are as unique as snowflakes.

You can't live on the hope of a television contract and play in a stadium with nobody there.

No, I'm so well-known at home I think they think of me like a piece of comfortable furniture that's always been around that they're not going to throw out.

Each piece of writing I undertake, whether a story, novel, play, or poem, begins with an image.

Your mind is your prison when you focus on your fear.