I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

How can you use what most excites, angers, or upsets you to achieve what you want to be, do or experience?

The most important role models should and could be parents and teachers. But that said, once you're a teenager you've probably gotten as much of an example from your parents as you're going to.

You write to suit some sense in yourself and trust that that will resonate with a certain wider readership.

Born to play? Hmmm. Probably Romeo... or Hamlet, I guess. Also, I'd be a great Alexander the Great.

I think over any period of time, especially if you don't use leverage, it is difficult to continually beat the S&P 500.

You create time by joining events together. But they don't join together; there's no separativity.

The chief merit of language is clearness.

To do something really big, let go of your ego, and get ready to be part of a team.

Mars once was wet and fertile. It's now bone dry. Something bad happened on Mars. I want to know what happened on Mars so that we may prevent it from happening here on Earth.

O woman! lovely woman! Nature made thee To temper man: we had been brutes without you.