I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better.

There is a better future, with a greater purpose. One can find it, only if he or she searches for it.

if you don't like something change it and if you cannot change it, change the way you you think about it.

For mankind knows hardly a joy which will surpass that of approval of his work.

How could he try to get Sandi to reveal her true colors when she was a rainbow?

Saying thank you is more than good manners. It is good spirituality.

I guess I could Debra Winger in any number of things. She's so luminous - it's a birth defect.

Courage is, on all hands, considered as an essential of high character.

I could be a comedian. I could be a gangster. I could play all of those parts, even for the first time... I'm versatile.

Lets just say that I think any person who aspires, presumes, or feels the calling to be an artist has a built-in sense of duty.