I do things, and other people laugh at them. I rarely know what the joke is supposed to be or why they're laughing.

For me, a play is a form of writing which isn't complete until it is interpreted by actors. But it's still a form of writing. And so most of my time is spent thinking about how to write a sentence.

It's obviously a characteristic of human beings that we like to feel superior to others, but our problem is we are not superior

Who says one instance of writing has anything in common with another instance?

Even with my wife, I find sharing soup is hard.

I have been vain since birth.

Sleep: a poor substitute for caffeine!

I spend most of my time thinking about things like laundry and buying stationery supplies.

I'm not proud to be me, I'm not excited to be me, but I find that I am me, and like most other individuals, I send out little signals; I tell everyone else how everything looks from where I am.

Patriotism is considered to be an emotion a person ought to feel. But why? Why is it nobler to love your own country than to love someone else's?

I was making my living from a joke about my appearance that I didn't understand, and in a way still don't, because when I look in a mirror it doesn't seem funny to me.

What we could consider magic, may just be science that we don’t understand yet.

Appreciate what everybody does, especially those doing what you are also doing. Don’t crave for attention and fame. It will come automatically when your brand is well situated.

Life on the farm is a school of patience you can't hurry the crops or make an ox in two days.

Twin miracles of mascara, her eyes looked like the corpses of two small crows that had crashed into a chalk cliff.

There is a massive problem with veteran suicides.

Semicolons . . . signal, rather than shout, a relationship. . . . A semicolon is a compliment from the writer to the reader. It says: "I don't have to draw you a picture; a hint will do."

There is nothing more frightful than an active ignorance. [Ger., Es ist nichts schrecklicher als eine thatige Unwissenheit.]

I know that I'll forever be involved in ballet. This is where my life was meant to be, and I don't see myself straying completely away, ever.

Sarcasm doesn't appear to work on him. If that's true, I'm in trouble: It's my normal mode of communication.

Anything that begins 'I don't know how to tell you this' is never good news.