I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.

I've been trying to quit smoking weed and it's really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.

Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.

I was such a nerd in high school, I didn't even have imaginary friends, I had imaginary bullies.

Because I go outside sometimes, I'm exposed to terrible, terrible music in public.

Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.

I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.

I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.

My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what has happened to me.

As a comic, I used to know more about pop culture.

Metal is easily my favorite thing - Exodus and Anthrax and Megadeth - so it just kind of organically came through in the standup act.

'Tis God gives skill but not without men's hands: he could not make Antonio Stradivarius violins without Antonio.

Meanwhile, our young men and women whose economic circumstances make military service a viable career choice are dying bravely in a war with no end in sight.

I love Joan Collins. She's a wonderful lady. She has such courage. She's such a good actress.

The first essential character [of civilization], I should say, is forethought. This, indeed, is what mainly distinguishes men from brutes and adults from children.

So many reality shows are scripted and create this fake drama, and it's a bunch of bull. We wanted to do something real and something wholesome and something that's focused on positive family values.

Morgan, Lewis is a very large firm now, but it was not quite as big then. It was exciting for an associate in those days, because you got good and varied assignments and terrific training.

She’s never where she is,' I said. 'She’s only inside her head.

I never leave my house. Then I don't have to put a bra on, and I don't have to change my pants.

Can you stand a little closer?" "Hmm?" "You smell good. I like to smell you.

No one should approach the temple of science with the soul of a money changer.