I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

There shall be confusion also in many places, and the fire shall be oft sent out again, and the wild beasts shall change their places, and menstruate women shall bring forth monsters:

You can never deceive or manipulate the future. Whatever it is you contribute towards it, is exactly what it will compensate you for.

It will change your life if you accept her offer. Common pleasures will no longer hold sway over you. It’s somewhat like catching religion.

Egypt loved the lotus because it never dies. It is the same for people who are loved.

A fairytale is when you marry a frog and it turns out to be a princess. Reality is vice versa.

Don't bother explaining--I've heard all the excuses and the trouble is most of them are true.

Haiti is closer to anarchy than it is to anything else.

At the deepest level, all living things that have ever been looked at have the same DNA code. And many of the same genes.

I'm a closet Backstreet Boys fan. They're very sweet

My view is that we're entering into a situation of enormous instability, insecurity, fragility.