I do what I do because I love it.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Fear comes at me like a massive bull with lowered horns ready to gore. But I have learned of the insubstantial nature of fear: if I stand my ground, it will pass right through me.

He who has never imitated anyone is known as one with intelligence.

Life is spiritual breath.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

Let every step you take upon the earth be as a prayer.

I was never a quick writer, but composed with great care and efforts.

There's one sure way to stop us from scoring ... give us the ball near the goal line.

I like to take on a different role every time or else I make myself bored.

Democracy is more dangerous than fire. Fire can't vote itself immune to water.

In old times people used to try and square the circle; now they try and devise schemes for satisfying the Irish nation.