I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Culture is religion externalized.

Though many have tried no one has ever yet explained away the decisive fact that science which can do so much cannot decide what it ought to do.

Wealth is a deep understanding of the natural world.

I think after doing a few shows now, people are ready to put me down.

And everyone's in the same situation, basically: we're all finding our separate ways, together.

It is one thing to lack a heart and another to possess eyes and a just imagination.

For the most sensitive among us the noise can be too much.

We cannot always cry at the right time and who is to say which time is right?

I had only immediate things today, only today, not tomorrow. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. Today I can see myself like crystal.

I took the LSAT. My score was decent. I had a plan that if my score was really well, then I might of just went to Yale or Harvard... But it was just mediocre. I can get into law school.