I don't argue with people... if they say I'm not funny, they're right, for them.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

If we became a pal to what scared us the most, we could find a simple way to ease all that bothered us, we would find peace, peace that we could live with.

The past will disappear if we forget we existed".

Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.

This filthy twentieth century. I hate its guts.

terror finally becomes almost bearable but never quite terror creeps like a cat crawls like a cat across my mind

Thats been hard being away from the family, because Washington can be lonely. When you tune out of all the activity, thats like, youre alone.

Prevention is a very important part of solving the problem of cancer.

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

Are you outside or inside the work­? You don't really know.

I seem to use this word 'kind' very frequently. When one is unhappy or anxious it is a quality one dwells on.