I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

A writer must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid.

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshiped anything but himself.

Life is a reality.

Kindness was too painful. It had been a long time since he had had to endure it.

It is true that we choose our life, but it’s also true that we can choose at any moment to change our path.

Atheism is indeed the most daring of all dogmas . . . for it is the assertion of a universal negative.

It had need to bee A wylie mouse that should breed in the cats eare.

It's a cliche, but it's true that all the fun lies in baddies, grotesques and comic roles.

A book… it’s a world all on its own too. A world made of words, where you live for a while.

I definitely don't want to do drama. I'm not looking to branch out into that world.